my experience; tough but still goin on, 4 wat?

Afsos reh gayi bas is baat ki 
(Unki) zindagi mein jagah 
na bana paye apni 
Sab kuch dekar bhi 
khone ke gam se zyada 
gam hain is sacchai ka 
ke hoga wahi jo chahe khuda 
phir chahe koshishe ho lakh 

Aaj bhi hain tanha 
ye dil-e-nadaan yun rota 
Jo wafa ko tarapti reh gayi 
Par bewafai bhi na pa saki 
Ab aur kaunsa manzar 
reh gaya baaki 
Jo na dekhi samjho ho? 

Par har guzarta din 
isi nakaami ko dohrata 
aur kehta ke 
hain abhi bahut kuch baaki, 
jab doobne ki khwahish mein 
hadh ki zarurat na samjhi 
tab dekho, aur kahan kahan, 
kidhar kidhar le chale hain 
tumhe... ye saaki

my thoughts; experience brazened and smoothed at the same breath

eventful days or sleepless nights...

all are full of thoughts
thought and more thoughts
but said who to think?
that's where the problem's
surely no one did tell
then why such thoughts
and more importantly
what thoughts...

thoughts of one
who stays always
not 'near', but close
somewhere in heart
that one surely
knows this fact, yes
but may i be a fool
to have such one
knowing that i'm
NOT one's heart-close,
but is someone else.
pity! on me? DON'T
its a word i hate,
having experienced
it pathetically

then why not shove
it away for all?
can't say, 'coz it
can't be seperated
'coz it got mixed
in color wid heart
n became tough
to seperate what's
mine and what's not
'coz it got mixed
in chemicals and
emotions that the
heart feels evryday
and became one with
this heart and soul

then you do you
bother, uselessly?
i know, botheration
wud it seem, and
sure should be.
but easy is not
this assignment,
though needs
self-thoughts
nd the same isn't
appearing from
within me, only
kept wailing from
the inside.

talks happen evryday
laughs heartily close
but evrythng is on
a thin rope of balance
sometimes up, else down
and that's what
makes this botheration.
then why do i make
her happy, laugh;
n why does she stay
happy wid me, finds
comfort and secure
in me, wishes
of our family?
coz i dont know
when's she goin to
turn the other side
n make a whiplash
of all said n thought
just 'coz she's
committed.

then why cant i go
n leave all,
when my all thoughts
relate to her being
safe n sound n happy;
when i know that future's
still far off n she
still has time n
future to see...
why cant i just
leave it on time
n stay normal?
because the thought
of losing her is
scary enough to
not to let me
leave all on fate;
and the question
that 'will she ever
realize how important
i could have been
in her life just as
she would think of'
fades away . . .
scary it gets
me shriek in heart,
as if breath without air
as if life without water
as if me lost and deserted
widout her sight,
voice, temperament,
care, concern,
timeless thoughts;
and my acceptance
of all those and want
of more...