my loneliness; without and within, you and me

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

without you
running on dialysis
without you
breathing without air
without you
restless aplenty
without you
lost again

within you
find energy afresh
within you
find my sane-ness
within you
there's peace
within you
can find me

within me
care for you
within me
concern for you
within me
love only for you
within me
nothing but you

without me
you're relatively easy
without me
am only new
without me
you'd lived earlier
without me
you'll live now, as well
without me
any missing-ness?
without me
will you feel them?

without you
my life's lifeless
without me
you mite live
without me
would u ever miss
without you
i'd live not like myself

my thoughts; ekti proshno

Image by RahelSharon via Flickr

ek proshno thake,
jar uttor-e neme
proshno aro jotil
hoye othe, kothin!
keno na uttore
nei shei jor, je
katabe proshono-r
rochikota, ba ei
uttore nei shei jor
jate ashbe proshner
boktita amar-i kache,
jake niye theke
jete raji puro jibon,
jake niye bachte
chai, bacha-kocha
nije-te r shompurno
ote... haan, ote

ek dali, jate ache
bashano ek basha
kichu hashi kichu
thatta niye basha
r onek aador-e
gore tola basha;
din jaye r dali-te
basha ta ektu
kore bodo hoye,
arektu chodaye
r dali-o notun
pata aro gojaye,
jate basha aro
chodaye r bade

tobe ei bondhon
hawa-r moton torol
jore hawa cholle
dali ta node jae r
basha ta-o ek
rokom bhange,
shei hawa-r beg-e
dali-r pata norbor
kore, r shathe kepe
uthe chodano basha

kichu pore thamleo
dekhai jae binash
jate dali jae benke
r basha jae shode,
tao dali-r kheyal-e
basha kore nijeke
theek r dake dali ke
shei aadore jate
dali abar theke
hoye othe shoja,
r tar pata gulo
hoye uthuk shobuj

tobe proshno ta
roilo theek temon
r jobabe na khoj,
tao ki kobe-o hobe
shei dali-r sthirota
kenoki basha shob
kore othe theek 
r shob bare khoshe
jae tar gore-tola
basha-r ekti khosha

my thoughts; fear of the dreaded 'never'

Image via Wikipedia

always lurking nearby
amidst the corners
hiding among the walls
as though phoenix
has a new form,
just that this one's
meant to be phoenix,
rising from the ashes;
only that the ashes
were never real
and the fire never
really burnt too well

fear is the key
to the phoenix,
for it never really
goes away;
its only hiding
and lurking in
the shadows of us,
and once it sees
the road clear
it rises it ugly head

fear, ah yes!
what else but fear
can this be called,
in which one tires
down the road
with new zeal, only 
to find a blockade
or two in the middle,
past which the way
can be got only after
scathing through their
sharp edges and bruising
self, and the bruises
to be let out in the
open of the road and
the blowing wind 
to ease its scratches
and sooth the pain,
only to be bruised
... again... again?

the constant fear of
'never' poses this
risk of everything
turning into nothing
every now and then,
only to be lapped
back in everything
to be able to survive
again this dread
of the turning nothing.
one moment black
the very other white,
as though there's
no parallel to this
on-going phase

of  'never' attaining
that has been wished,
trails along with
every such dread.
of 'losing' all that
has been built,
subsides along
with every such
walking-yet-
trampled foot;
which wishes to
run and jump,
and does so...
but alas! only
on the path
full with thorns,
so that the oozing
blood reminds
every now and then
of the constant
fear, and hence
the foot may never
wish to jump or
run...
but the foot does,
coz it knows not
to stay aloof
from what's
natural to it,
only that the path
will never allow it
to do, any more
freely...

my experience; ode to pursual and failure

Image by marv117 via Flickr

well, by now its
been tamed by
her sweet voice
in the morning
but last nite's
wasnt such a
candy-walk either

time and again
have the 'issues'
been brought up
and as always
been discussed with
much importance and
clarity as to what
stands and what not

but again, time has
witnessed the never
ending passion with
which I pursue her,
with the whole of
myself in every
care and concern;
havent you, o greatest?

and like always,
all my efforts stand
washed away by her
one negativity and
subsequent multiples
though immaterial,
but the pinch that hurts
is her inability to
understand the need
that asks to support
me in this endeavour,
for all I ask is to
side-away the negative
and harbor thats more
positive and motivating;
is that too much
that I ask for?

I am her good company
am her independence
am her support
am her care and concern
am her favorable life,
but am NOT. . .
yes, am NOT
her love, am NOT;
- repeated are these
words of reality,
shoved into my
ears and soul as if
chunks of burning
coal has been gulped
by a throat which
can only yelp in pain
and even after such
the negativities dont
cease to rise their
thorns and pin me
down with things
that may be eased off
with a li'l support

have bought the books
she'd wished for, to the
extent that mine fell less
in numbers to the ones
bought for her;
and I am sure that
she'd like these to read
for my whole attention
was to select the best
for her keeping in mind
the budget and some
to be left for mine.
But even as now when
I see the list of order,
I cant help but feel great
that she'll have some
good literary friends
to give her company,
something which she
could thoroughly enjoy
and reap benefits as
of vocabulary and
writing style of authors

my experience and thoughts; parents still or friends?

Image via Wikipedia

sometimes i just think
where have those days gone
when parents used to take

me in their arms and care

as if nothing's more important,

all i get now is teachings
and lessons from them
without even a word as
to how are things going
on my side, as if i'm

expected to only learn

and never to react or
reach-out when pained

they ask me that
why dont i share,
but have they ever
thought about those
times when i had
brought to them
things which i was
excited and waiting
to share with them,
and all they had done
is pretrified and
turned-down with
their sense of
understanding and
'life' experiences,
as though final were
the ones they'd seen
or heard and never
ever could there be
a new thing to be seen.

did they ever think
how important it is
to be more of friends
than parents from
one point in time?
but i guess, such never
crossed their minds,
they are just happy
doing their 'duty' and
playing gud 'ol parents;
what a scarce, cause
such exactly plays
down the life of kids
who wish to share
but are unable to,
owing to their nature

it is said that once kid
begins wearing his
father's shoes, then the
father should be a friend
more than being father.
but i think verses and
sayings like these are
only preserved in books
cause never have i
made them happy with
any of my revelation;
all they have to say is
that your horroscope
as written matches till
date, and we are only
playing protective for you.
but will they ever
understand that all
a boy/girl wants is to
find parents at the
supportive end, rather
than the duty-playing-end,
all a grown-up ever want
is that parents should
share things as friends
and support even when
odds are against.

and i guess that is
the faith that most
lose in their parents'
by the time they
become one, and
the circle starts again.
i wish my whole
not to embark
upon the same when
i become a parent;
to be a gud and
supportive friend
is what i wish to be
for my child, as
and when that time
comes, so that
he/she may not
have to lose the
faith that i today
seem to have lost

my state of consciouness

probably, the most intriguing words that can express myself at this point, when once again it felt like seperating for her benefit:

"
I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
or maybe just happy
Think I'm just happy

My heart is broke
But I have some glue
help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And I have a hangover...
Have a hangover

Skin the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
The soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun

I think I'm dumb            x 12
"
 
-
Group : Nirvana
Track :  "Dumb"
Album:  In Utero / MTV Unplugged in New York December 12 1993

 
hope that her endeavour succeeds to what she wishes for. my best wishes are with her, all the way.
yes, despite being 'dumb' as in the song... and pretending and thinking to be happy while she thinks
that my sadness isnt really what she can connect to, obviously due to the short-time period which we
spent together and despite all the challenges we were happy, yes we were. but den, time now calls for
sacrifice and once more i'd stand to it, for you dear. every moment from now on is going to be dumb,
for the happiness is going away with you, or maybe you've already gone and i've realised it a bit late...

i wish you all the best, my beloved

my thoughts and experience; the lull after the storm

two days have passed
since the storm, and
the aftereffects remain
and will lilnger around
till either gets to either-side
for time long-enough
but even during these
two days, talks happened
and laughs kept up
as normal as-ever

and it hardly seems
that talks have stopped
that she doesn't miss me
or I dont' for her at all
these were all what
happened between us
everyday all along
so even the decision
looks hard enough
as to what it implies
'cause I still feel
everything that kept
between us till date

and I still think
'bout her as I used to
most of the times,
as if she was my routine
and I couldn't do
widout her at all;
and all this was
on its own and
never forced-upon

so the magic that
kept us 2gether
still holds us 2gether;
many say that
either have a yes
or a no as things
complicate now-on,
and many say
that carry on
don't lose hope,
cause the love care
of urs will bring
her to ur life

amidst all sayings
I find myself lost
and found
as though none
is clearer enough
to lead the way
and mark its presence
but I do feel bad
thinking bout the
dilemma she had,
and probably dats y
the decision taken

but I hope that she
becomes confident
enough along-way
to either be happy
or make-sad with
her present, 'cause
rite now she is none
and standing in-between
happy and sad;
either of them
would her be
once again the
person she was,
which for now
she is not.

also, either of
the states would
make her concentrate
on things which she
ought to and which
I've been pushing
ever since I've known her,
those would help
her more and shape
her personality whole;
I fear that the day
I stop pushing she'd
forget all and forget
these things required

I know, probably
I care too much
but thats how I
have been all-along,
for whom I care
I care with my all
and for whom I love
I give my evrything
and more to nurture;
dont know if it
really helps me
or breaks me,
but I can't change
this imbibed trait
something which
my genes have
brought along in me.
so if u really got
angry or irritated
at my extra care,
am sorry, for all I
meant was concern
of urs and care.

I hope I be
understood for
what I am and
for what I have,
just me myself
as a whole
without any
comparisions;
by her someday
and be loved
if possible for
what I've given
her till date,
for I am not
such that will
turn away with
the change of wind
or place or time.
changes do occur
and its inevitable,
then how are we
to sustain if we
keep doubts over
changes and be
negative with it?
and how are you
to confirm that
you may not change?
'yes I may!' that
u'd say as u have.
then y not trust the
one who cares
for u at present
and has been wid u
despite ur anger
and irritate-times.
if u can, then plz
accept me for
my care concern
and love till-date
which will only
continue to
grow and nourish
u as time ticks;
for I have not
learnt to turn
my back despite odds
and u've known
that wid time.

all the best to you,
my dear friend
my beloved
my everything
hope u be confident
and unfazed