blogging at this hour certainly with not-a-joyous heart and swollen-red eyes and coughed throat
doesn't make it all too eventful. but then, I could not help but talk it over my blog. yesterday night,
just like one of those nights when things weren't pretty much on my side in her mind...
since evening itself I was restless, and didn't like to return home at usual time. went to park and sat on a bench. bench.... she was very fond of sitting as she'd back problem to some extent. anyways, as usual her missed call came and we talked about things, and then her friend was calling so I kept the call promising to return home soon. I came back home, gave the Rs.6000 as had withdrawn from the ATM on account of giving it to parents at home, for the month. Her missed call came, as usual, and we started talking. It had so happened that her good friend had done finally what he had wished to keeping him out of the picture of something which he was feeling guilty of; yes, so called matters of heart. and after hearing his decision even I braved him, he sure was brave emotionally to take the right decision; the lad's a nice one and having him I sure can bet on him that he'd probably be the best buddy she's ever gonna have, and am happy that at least someone's there who can support her all the way.
oh and yes, amidst all that she had asked me what had I done after coming home, and on my stating of events, she said that I was really nice and knew and acted appropriately, and though she shouldn't say it again but she'd wished if only I had phoned her 2 years prior (as per her now wasn't the right time since she was committed). but then, no good things can take-over the ripple-effects that had presided the evening with her friend's decision; since the case pertained much like ours, only that she knew everything. what succeeded was that series of questions and answers which had only one thing to say: I was the one in between (and didn't I feel like the same?), and I should go, I had already been warned and shouldn't have had taken things this far, and that this is a fact and she's committed, so its better for both of us not to contact each other any more. So, I said what she'd expected me (owing to her-obvious-type-of-pattern and similarity of her friend's situation and apparent decision) that if she thought that my talking to her was making matters worse then I would not talk till she wishes to. this much I can promise, my beloved; although I know that you never loved me.
this, coupled with the noisy-ruckus going on owing to relatives at her place, didn't allow us to talk at a stretch. but then, I always found time (to hold back my tears till they would not be evident from voice, if face showed 'em) and explained to her that the silence mongering in this situation and her am-happy attitude right now would not help since such decision always has impact on both the sides and merely a plastic smile cannot hide this simple fact; all hard and important decisions weren't taken without talking it over, and this was no different. I made her understand (at least I think and understand, from my understanding of her) that I had taken the decision not for myself, but for her happiness. so that she could stop feeling guilty, or at least try to. so that she could give her present stand one more chance of carrying over and re-gaining the lost stature. since she was dilemma-tic and sudden bouts of thoughts had troubled her as well as me in the same breath, sooner or later a stance had to be taken. and since she was unable to take it herself completely, probably this is how I could help her with her way. I was hurt, definitely and undoubtedly it did; for I had nurtured her with all love care concern I possessed and had dream t with her of all those dreams which couples generally do, of future, marriage, children, parents, etc etc. and to let go of all these was never going to be easy. but it had to happen one day probably, so it did.
I also made her understand that no-one really comes in between unless that person satisfies or fulfills the void created in any relationship. no relationship's perfect, but then if the void gets unmanageable then the fault lies with the relationship and its seekers. so if I had not fulfilled any of the void, then probably I would not had assumed any place. but I did cause I was filling what was missing. and even she could not doubt the fact that the times when she was with me (or even when v had talked over the phone), she had always felt happy secure safe cared concerned and all the things that were missing in her present. that i had kept her happy, not materially but emotionally, itself states why was I still there. but then, the guilt-conscious never ceases to exist till it has been done away with. and so probably now she has the chance to do away with, whether her present works or it doesn't. if it does and she's happy lot (in the genuine sense and not the plastic-smile one), I would be happy for her, but if it didn't then she shouldn't blame it on my coming 'cause the void's filling can never be guaranteed under any circumstance; if it has to fill it will, otherwise the flaws will not let the relationship be a stable one.
Finally, I told that no matter what and how, I would continue to be with you in all breath and air that had existed till date, and would talk only when she wished me to. but that would certainly NOT mean, not wishing her important dates and events, and not accepting her wishes. she has been my part from within, and cannot be uprooted at the helm of any god-damn thing. and having loved her madly deeply like never-before, I can only wish the best to her. if only she'd not compared me with anyone, it would have been better, but then the situation demanded such and she had only acted accordingly. It was going to be her call now, and me the mere spectator who once was in the call. And that, if ever she'd wish to come back, I would be there as always with arms outstretched and the same love care affection I have today for her.
Image by Getty Images via @daylife
